Funny Jokes

The Tale of Two Bats Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood." "We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us." The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere myself." He flies out of the cave. When he returns, he is covered with blood. The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?" The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?" "Yes," the other bat answers. "Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."

The Parrot and the Burglar Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar froze again – terrified. Frantically, he looked all around with his torch. In a far corner, he spotted a birdcage with a parrot perched inside. "Was it you who said Jesus is watching me?" he asked the parrot. "Yes," said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot squawked sarcastically, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

The Widow And The Toad A widow was feeling very lonely and decided that the best thing to do would be to find a companion. So, off she went to the pet shop. She wasn't sure just what kind of pet she'd like, so she figured she'd just walk around until she found just the 'right one.' She went past the adorable little puppies, past the playful kittens, past the preening parrots, past the sleeping hamsters, past the whirling gerbils, and past the colourful fish in there huge tank. Nothing really appealed to her or seemed to be what she was looking for. She decided to look around the store again. On the way over to the puppies, she walked by a barrel. At the bottom of the barrel was a rather ugly looking toad. But when she looked in, he winked at her! The poor widow shook with surprise! She couldn't believe it and quickly went back to the other pets on display. Once again, she checked out those sweet little puppies, the darling kittens, the fluttering birds, the f...

Short Frog Jokes : Part 1 What's green and red? A very mad frog. What's green with red spots? A frog with the chicken pox! What's green with bumps? A frog with the measles! What's black and white and green? A frog sitting on a newspaper. What kind of shoes do frogs wear? Open toad! What do frogs do with paper? Rip-it! How does a frog feel when he has a broken leg? Sore. What happens when you mix a frog with a bathtub scrubby-mit? A rubbit! Why did the frog read Sherlock Holmes? He liked a good croak and dagger. What happened to the frog's car when his parking meter expired? It got toad!! What do you call a frog that crosses the road, jumps in a puddle, and crosses the road again? A dirty double-crosser! What's green green green green green? A frog rolling down a hill What is a frogs favourite time? Leap Year!

Leap Frog Jokes : Part 2 Why did the frog go to the mall? Because he wanted to go hopping. Why did the frog walk across the road? He didn't... he jumped. Why did the frog cross the street? Because the chicken crossed the road. Why did the frog cross the road? To see what the chicken was doing. Why did the frog cross the road? Some mean little kid super-glued it to the chicken. How do you confuse a frog? Put it in a round bowl and tell it to take a nap in the corner. How does a frog confuse you? When he comes out and says he needed that nap and feels much better. What did the frog say to the fly? You are really starting to bug me! What does a frog say when it sees something' great? Toadly awesome! What do you call a frog with no legs? It doesn't matter- he won't come anyway. What do you call a frog with legs? Dinner. What is a frog's favourite game? Croaket What did the frog order at McDonald's? French flies and a diet Croak Why did the frog go to ...

The Six Foot Cockroach A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a six foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off. The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away. The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life. The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds and asked the man what happened. The man explained about the six foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.The doctor thought for...

Cat in Heaven One day a cat loses its ninth life causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let me know." The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more" and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears. A few days later six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again the Lord them and makes the same offer. The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. We are tired of running. Do you think we could fit us with roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says, "No problem" and suddenly each mouse has a beautiful pair of roller skates. About a week later the ...

Why did the Elephant stand on the marshmallow? So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate. How do you fit five elephants into a Porsche? Two in the front, Two in the back, and one in the boot.

  A rabbit hops into a butchers' shop and says "have you got any cabbages?" The butcher says that he doesn't sell cabbages and the rabbit hops off. The next day the same rabbit hops into the same butchers and says, "have you got any cabbages?" The butcher, getting annoyed, says "look I told you yesterday - I'm a butcher, I don't sell cabbages, now go away!" The rabbit hops off. But the next day it hops into the butchers again and again asks "have you got any cabbages?" The butcher, really annoyed now, snaps "No I haven't got any damn cabbages! If you come in here again asking for cabbages I'm will nail your ears to the floor!" The rabbit is scared by this and quickly hops out the door. The next day it hops into the butchers and asks "have you got any nails?" The butcher replies angrily, "NO"“Okay,” says the rabbit with a grin, "what about cabbages?"

There were two fish in a tank. One said to the other, "Do you know how to drive this?"

A young man began his career as a magician with a job on a cruise ship. Vital to his act was his pet parrot - the bird would always steal his act by giving away the trick, “the card is up his sleeve” or “he hid the dove in his pocket.” This always got a great laugh from the audience. One day the ship began to sink. Risking his own life the magician ran back to his cabin to rescue his parrot. Diving overboard, at the last minute, they landed in the freezing water. The young man grasped onto a wooden door that had broken off the sinking ship and pulled himself and the parrot to safety. For a several days, they pair sat there looking at each other.Finally, the parrot broke the silence. “Okay, I give up.” He squawked, “What did you do with the ship?”