Funny Jokes

KFC and the Pope After watching sales falling for six consecutive months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favour. The Pope says, "What can I do?" The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican." The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words." So the Colonel hangs up. After another two months of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls the pope again. "Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll give you Ł50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'" And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much m...

Company Policies To All Employees, The following company policies are effective immediately:- HOLIDAYS:- Each employee is entitled to 104 holidays. These will be called Saturday and Sunday. SICK DAYS:- A doctor’s sick note will no longer be accepted as proof of sickness. If you are able to get to the doctor, you are able to come into work. SURGERY:- Operations are banned. As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs. Do not consider having anything removed. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment. BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:- This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead relatives and friends. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled for the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your day...

Buy Buy Buy! A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found a taker. "I think this one will really move said the broker, it's only Ł1 a share." "Buy me 1000 shares." said the client. The next day the stock was at Ł2. The client called the broker and said, "You were right, give me 5000 more shares." The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at Ł4. He ran to the phone and called the broker, "Get me 10,000 more shares,” he pleaded. "No problem!" said the broker. The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at Ł10. Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, he called the broker again. "Sell all my shares!" he demanded. " Don’t be stupid,” said the broker, “ You’re the only mug buying that useless stock."

Challenging Order A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: Ł500 if we fail to fill your order! When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant eyes on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen. Suddenly all hell breaks loose! The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He hurries over to the customer's table, slaps five Ł100 bills down on it and says, "You got me this time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"

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Making Money A youngster asked an rich old man how he made his money. The old guy replied, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression and I was down to my last nickel. "I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. "The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37." "And that's how you built your entire empire?" the boy asked. "Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

Making Money A youngster asked an rich old man how he made his money. The old guy replied, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression and I was down to my last nickel. "I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. "The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37." "And that's how you built your entire empire?" the boy asked. "Heavens, no!" the man replied with a grin. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

The ears job John was in a terrible accident at work - he fell against a grinding machine and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, John decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Mixitup Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him. The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, John asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." John got very angry and threw him out. The second interview was with a woman, and she was...

First Day on the Job An Irishman goes for a job on a building site. The foreman asks, "Can you brew tea?" The Irishman says, "Yes." "Good. Can you drive a fork lift?" "Why?” asks the Irishman, “How big is the teapot?"

Engineers and Managers A businessman flying in a hot air balloon realizes he is lost. So he reduces his altitude and hovers over a man who is standing in the field below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet above this field." "You must be an engineer," says the balloonist. "I am. How did you know?" "Everything you told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone." The man below says, "You must be in management." "I am. But how did you know?" "You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's all my fault."

24-Hour Cleaning Service Needing some clothes cleaned quickly, a man searched the small town he was visiting until he found a sign which read: Cleaning and Pressing - 24-Hour Service. After explaining what he needed, he said, "I'll be back tomorrow to pick up my suit." "Oh, but it won't be ready until Saturday," replied the proprietor. "But your sign states '24-Hour Service'," the man protested. "Yes, that's correct," the proprietor said reproachfully, "but, we only work eight hours a day. Today is Thursday - eight hours today, eight hours Friday, eight on Saturday. That's 24-hour service."

Beating the Competition A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.' He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.' The shopkeeper was worried until he had a great idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read 'MAIN ENTRANCE'.