Funny Jokes

Viagra Quickies Have you tried the new hot beverage, Viagraccino? One cup and you're up all night. Men taking iron supplements are warned that taking Viagra may cause them to spin around and point north. The difference between Niagara and Viagra? Niagara Falls. New Viagra eye drops make you look hard. Viagra has been a big boon to 'stand up' comedians. The man spent too much money on Viagra: Now, he's hard up. Did you hear about the first death from an overdose of Viagra? A man took twelve pills and his wife died. A man at the pharmacy to pick up his Viagra prescription exclaimed over the Ł10/pill price. His wife, who was with him, had a different opinion: "Oh, Ł40 a year isn't too bad." Then there was the man who got his Viagra tablet stuck in his throat and suffered from a stiff neck. For years the medical professional has been looking after the ill, to make them better. Now, with Viagra, they're raising the dead!

Do you not know I am a woman? When I think, I must speak. William Shakespeare

Things Men Know About Women – The Top Five After years of research by the world’s leading philosophers, psychologists and philatelists it can finally be revealed that the Top Five Things Men Know About Women are:- 1. Nothing! 2. Nothing! 3. Nothing! 4. Nothing! 5. Nothing!

During a tournament a rather embarrassed golfer turned to his opponent and coyly confessed ‘I’ve never played this badly before!’ Quickly the opponent retorted, ‘ Actually I didn't realize you had played before.’

The Facts of Life - Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex Sex is the perfect diet - it burns 360 calories per hour. At any one time 8 million people are locked up in jail and 800,000 are making love. This explains why you are more likely to serve a prison sentence than strike lucky with . . . . During a kiss as many as 278 bacteria colonies are exchanged. A passionate kiss uses up 6.4 calories per minute. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910. The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B.C. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

Bill Gates Gambles With Heaven and Hell Bill Gates dies while gambling in an Las Vegas casino and arrives at the port to heaven and hell. Peter says, “Because you’ve been so successful on Earth you may choose to go to heaven or hell.” Bill peeks into heaven and sees a couple of old boring men sitting around at a table. He takes a look in hell and sees really beautiful women, sex, drugs, rock and roll, and most of all, gambling. So Bill says, “I’m a gambling man and I love women so I want to go to hell” Once in hell, Bill is immediately thrown into a huge torturous fire. “Hey,” says Bill, “what going on? The Hell I was shown was full of gambling, women, and sex? 'That,” said the Devil with an evil smirk, “ was just a demo version."

Don’t worry. It won’t happen. Forget about it. But we do talk! That’s not what I meant! I was not looking at that girl in the skimpy red lycra top with blue and yellow sequins. Of course I care – didn’t I buy you flowers - once?

Here’s a simple technique to increase your distance off the tee. Have a steady, relaxed grip on the club, pull back gently, then close your eyes and imagine that you’re taking a swing at your boss. An amateur was having an absolutely dreadful round. On the eighth, after 5 strokes, he was still 180 yards from the green. Exasperated he turned to his caddy and asked "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?" Without hesitation the caddie replied, "Eventually!!"

You know a web site was created by a male if : * The homepage uses 8 inch high fonts - ’cos size does matter. * It contains links to sex, football, sex, music, sex, pubs and sex. * It loads quickly and then apologises embarrassingly. * Initially it seems interesting but rapidly becomes boring. * Its pages are untidy and disorganised. * It displays a ‘Site under construction’ message but never changes.  * It includes photos of supermodels whom he claims are girlfriends.

Viagra - Under Doctors Orders A man was prescribed Viagra by his doctor who told him to take it one hour before sex. The man collected his prescription and went home to wait for his wife to get in from work. An hour before she was due home, he took the Viagra pill. But just as he was expecting her, she phoned to say that she wouldn't be in for another two and a half hours. In a panic, he phoned the doctor. "What should I do?" he asked. "I've taken the pill but the effects will have worn off by the time my wife gets home." "I see," said the doctor. "It is a pity to waste it. Do you have a maid?" "Yes." "Well, could you not occupy yourself with her instead?" "But I don't need Viagra with the maid."

What runs through a man’s mind during every five minute period : Sex, Food, Work, Sex, Football, Beer, Sex, Work, Anger, Sex, Work, Football . . .   What runs through a woman’s mind during every five minute period : Romance, Worry, Romance, Men, Diamonds, Worry, Romance, Marriage . . .

What’s the difference between a woman with pre menstrual stress and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist. The ‘Centre for Approximate Guesses’ located in Glasgow, Scot The ‘Centre for Approximate Guesses’ located in Glasgow, Scotland have shown that when a woman is suffering from PMS her partner is: 100 times less likely to have sex 10 times more likely to get a black eye 20 times more likely to have to work late at the office. If men suffered from PMS everyone would be awarded an extra four days PMS break each month. “You’re feeling bad with PMS aren’t you dear?” asked the concerned husband. “Why do you ask that?” bellowed his wife. “You seem to have accidentally cut all my clothes into tiny pieces again.” squeaked the husband.

Golfers’ Nightmares Never, ever getting a hole in one. Getting a hole in one – when there’s nobody around to see it. Following up a hole in one with a twelve over par. Playing a round with friends where everyone else gets a hole in one.

The difference between men and women : Talking When a man returns home tired and weary after a hard day’s toil he needs about twenty minutes peace and quiet just to unwind from the stresses and strains he has suffered. Unfortunately when he gets home his wife needs to tell him, all the problems and issues which have developed during the day. Luckily men have developed the ability to listen, appear interested and sleep all at the same time. If you want to make a woman happy talk more, if you want to make her really happy talk about your relationship, if you want to make her ecstatic talk about the diamond ring you are going to buy her. Women have the ability to talk and listen at the same time - so she’s not being rude when she interrupts while you are speaking. Of course, if you interrupt her while she’s talking you’re in real trouble for she knows that men can’t talk and listen at the same time. Never snore while a woman is talking. It may give her the impression that you’re no

Why is a birdie always immediately followed by a hole that’s ten over par? The most valuable golfing tip I’ve ever had came from a dear friend. After playing a round together he exclaimed ‘Why don’t you take up fishing?’ Fishermen exaggerate – golfers understate. Golf is the perfect game to play - when you're so decrepit you can no longer play football.

Golf Club Humour There is no putt so simple that it cannot over shoot by twelve inches. The secret of being a great golfer is knowing how to tally the score so that you’re never more than twelve over par. I’m not a great golfer in fact, to be honest, I don’t even know the difference between an iron and an electric kettle. A round of golf is never over – just deferred 'til another day.

KFC and the Pope After watching sales falling for six consecutive months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favour. The Pope says, "What can I do?" The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican." The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words." So the Colonel hangs up. After another two months of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls the pope again. "Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll give you Ł50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'" And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much m

Company Policies To All Employees, The following company policies are effective immediately:- HOLIDAYS:- Each employee is entitled to 104 holidays. These will be called Saturday and Sunday. SICK DAYS:- A doctor’s sick note will no longer be accepted as proof of sickness. If you are able to get to the doctor, you are able to come into work. SURGERY:- Operations are banned. As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs. Do not consider having anything removed. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment. BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:- This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead relatives and friends. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled for the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your day'

Buy Buy Buy! A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found a taker. "I think this one will really move said the broker, it's only Ł1 a share." "Buy me 1000 shares." said the client. The next day the stock was at Ł2. The client called the broker and said, "You were right, give me 5000 more shares." The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at Ł4. He ran to the phone and called the broker, "Get me 10,000 more shares,” he pleaded. "No problem!" said the broker. The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at Ł10. Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, he called the broker again. "Sell all my shares!" he demanded. " Don’t be stupid,” said the broker, “ You’re the only mug buying that useless stock."

Challenging Order A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: Ł500 if we fail to fill your order! When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant eyes on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen. Suddenly all hell breaks loose! The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He hurries over to the customer's table, slaps five Ł100 bills down on it and says, "You got me this time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"

Get Rich QUICK on the Internet  By using the internet everyone can effortlessly become a multimillionaire. The formula is simple ::- 1) Choose a product that can be easily bought in any high street store. 2) Create a memorable web site such as IAbsolutelyDesperatelyMustHaveThat.CON 3) Lose masses of money trading through your site. 4) Float the company on the stock market for $Ł$Ł$Ł$Ł$Ł$ 5) Retire. To be successful you must remember that patience is vital – the above process can sometimes take as long as three months. Guarantee millions of visitors to your site each day by including three key words in your HTML header – Sex, Money and Free.

Making Money A youngster asked an rich old man how he made his money. The old guy replied, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression and I was down to my last nickel. "I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. "The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37." "And that's how you built your entire empire?" the boy asked. "Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

Making Money A youngster asked an rich old man how he made his money. The old guy replied, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression and I was down to my last nickel. "I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. "The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37." "And that's how you built your entire empire?" the boy asked. "Heavens, no!" the man replied with a grin. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

The ears job John was in a terrible accident at work - he fell against a grinding machine and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, John decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Mixitup Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him. The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, John asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." John got very angry and threw him out. The second interview was with a woman, and she was

First Day on the Job An Irishman goes for a job on a building site. The foreman asks, "Can you brew tea?" The Irishman says, "Yes." "Good. Can you drive a fork lift?" "Why?” asks the Irishman, “How big is the teapot?"

Engineers and Managers A businessman flying in a hot air balloon realizes he is lost. So he reduces his altitude and hovers over a man who is standing in the field below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet above this field." "You must be an engineer," says the balloonist. "I am. How did you know?" "Everything you told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone." The man below says, "You must be in management." "I am. But how did you know?" "You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's all my fault."

24-Hour Cleaning Service Needing some clothes cleaned quickly, a man searched the small town he was visiting until he found a sign which read: Cleaning and Pressing - 24-Hour Service. After explaining what he needed, he said, "I'll be back tomorrow to pick up my suit." "Oh, but it won't be ready until Saturday," replied the proprietor. "But your sign states '24-Hour Service'," the man protested. "Yes, that's correct," the proprietor said reproachfully, "but, we only work eight hours a day. Today is Thursday - eight hours today, eight hours Friday, eight on Saturday. That's 24-hour service."

Beating the Competition A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.' He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.' The shopkeeper was worried until he had a great idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read 'MAIN ENTRANCE'.

The Tale of Two Bats Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood." "We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us." The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere myself." He flies out of the cave. When he returns, he is covered with blood. The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?" The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?" "Yes," the other bat answers. "Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."

The Parrot and the Burglar Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar froze again – terrified. Frantically, he looked all around with his torch. In a far corner, he spotted a birdcage with a parrot perched inside. "Was it you who said Jesus is watching me?" he asked the parrot. "Yes," said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot squawked sarcastically, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

The Widow And The Toad A widow was feeling very lonely and decided that the best thing to do would be to find a companion. So, off she went to the pet shop. She wasn't sure just what kind of pet she'd like, so she figured she'd just walk around until she found just the 'right one.' She went past the adorable little puppies, past the playful kittens, past the preening parrots, past the sleeping hamsters, past the whirling gerbils, and past the colourful fish in there huge tank. Nothing really appealed to her or seemed to be what she was looking for. She decided to look around the store again. On the way over to the puppies, she walked by a barrel. At the bottom of the barrel was a rather ugly looking toad. But when she looked in, he winked at her! The poor widow shook with surprise! She couldn't believe it and quickly went back to the other pets on display. Once again, she checked out those sweet little puppies, the darling kittens, the fluttering birds, the f

Short Frog Jokes : Part 1 What's green and red? A very mad frog. What's green with red spots? A frog with the chicken pox! What's green with bumps? A frog with the measles! What's black and white and green? A frog sitting on a newspaper. What kind of shoes do frogs wear? Open toad! What do frogs do with paper? Rip-it! How does a frog feel when he has a broken leg? Sore. What happens when you mix a frog with a bathtub scrubby-mit? A rubbit! Why did the frog read Sherlock Holmes? He liked a good croak and dagger. What happened to the frog's car when his parking meter expired? It got toad!! What do you call a frog that crosses the road, jumps in a puddle, and crosses the road again? A dirty double-crosser! What's green green green green green? A frog rolling down a hill What is a frogs favourite time? Leap Year!

Leap Frog Jokes : Part 2 Why did the frog go to the mall? Because he wanted to go hopping. Why did the frog walk across the road? He didn't... he jumped. Why did the frog cross the street? Because the chicken crossed the road. Why did the frog cross the road? To see what the chicken was doing. Why did the frog cross the road? Some mean little kid super-glued it to the chicken. How do you confuse a frog? Put it in a round bowl and tell it to take a nap in the corner. How does a frog confuse you? When he comes out and says he needed that nap and feels much better. What did the frog say to the fly? You are really starting to bug me! What does a frog say when it sees something' great? Toadly awesome! What do you call a frog with no legs? It doesn't matter- he won't come anyway. What do you call a frog with legs? Dinner. What is a frog's favourite game? Croaket What did the frog order at McDonald's? French flies and a diet Croak Why did the frog go to

The Six Foot Cockroach A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a six foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off. The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away. The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life. The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds and asked the man what happened. The man explained about the six foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.The doctor thought for

Cat in Heaven One day a cat loses its ninth life causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let me know." The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more" and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears. A few days later six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again the Lord them and makes the same offer. The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. We are tired of running. Do you think we could fit us with roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says, "No problem" and suddenly each mouse has a beautiful pair of roller skates. About a week later the

Why did the Elephant stand on the marshmallow? So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate. How do you fit five elephants into a Porsche? Two in the front, Two in the back, and one in the boot.

  A rabbit hops into a butchers' shop and says "have you got any cabbages?" The butcher says that he doesn't sell cabbages and the rabbit hops off. The next day the same rabbit hops into the same butchers and says, "have you got any cabbages?" The butcher, getting annoyed, says "look I told you yesterday - I'm a butcher, I don't sell cabbages, now go away!" The rabbit hops off. But the next day it hops into the butchers again and again asks "have you got any cabbages?" The butcher, really annoyed now, snaps "No I haven't got any damn cabbages! If you come in here again asking for cabbages I'm will nail your ears to the floor!" The rabbit is scared by this and quickly hops out the door. The next day it hops into the butchers and asks "have you got any nails?" The butcher replies angrily, "NO"“Okay,” says the rabbit with a grin, "what about cabbages?"

There were two fish in a tank. One said to the other, "Do you know how to drive this?"

A young man began his career as a magician with a job on a cruise ship. Vital to his act was his pet parrot - the bird would always steal his act by giving away the trick, “the card is up his sleeve” or “he hid the dove in his pocket.” This always got a great laugh from the audience. One day the ship began to sink. Risking his own life the magician ran back to his cabin to rescue his parrot. Diving overboard, at the last minute, they landed in the freezing water. The young man grasped onto a wooden door that had broken off the sinking ship and pulled himself and the parrot to safety. For a several days, they pair sat there looking at each other.Finally, the parrot broke the silence. “Okay, I give up.” He squawked, “What did you do with the ship?”

How to tell if you have PMS - premenstrual stress You have a strong desire to add chocolate to your omelette. Everyone around you is being totally inconsiderate. You cry watching advertisements on the television. You want to kill anyone who says, ‘I love you.’ Your partner makes the excuse that he needs to fetch something from the car – and doesn’t return for four days.

There is no putt so simple that it cannot over shoot by twelve inches. The secret of being a great golfer is knowing how to tally the score so that you’re never more than twelve over par. I’m not a great golfer in fact, to be honest, I don’t even know the difference between an iron and an electric kettle. A round of golf is never over – just deferred 'til another day.

The Marriage Bet There's the touching story of the young man who was foolish enough to say to his girlfriend, "I bet you wouldn't marry me." The story goes that she not only called his bet but she raised him five!

If Einstein had been a woman . . . Men express their thoughts in a logical systematic manner – whereas women talk in a less structured way and are more concerned with feelings than facts. If Einstein had been a woman she would have probably said something like, “I was in the mall yesterday looking for a new dress, I eventually bought a cute red one which I’ll show you later. Anyway I suddenly got this strange feeling about that energy thing. Now that reminds me I must pay that gas bill. But, as I was saying, I suddenly had the notion that E=MC2 - I can’t be sure of course but I spoke to my best friend Alice about it and she said . . . . . . . .”

You can tell she’s a novice if :- She sets out with six balls and comes back with none. She shouts "fore" whenever she putts! She still believes that one day she’ll get a hole in one. She builds sandcastles in the bunkers. She just misses getting a hole in one - by 8 strokes! She practices shouting ‘fore’ in the office. She carries a trowel to patch up the holes she creates in the turf.

The Las Vegas Gambling Trip Joke A group from Chicago spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas. One of the men on that trip won Ł100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so he decided not to return with the others, but took a later plane home - arriving back 3 a.m. He immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it.  The following morning he walked outside and found the hole empty. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man.  Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house.  "You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my Ł100,000 I'm going to kill him!" he screamed at the professor. The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language, "I hid it in my bac

Real Rules of Golf If a tree obstructs the ball the player may place it on the green at the spot where the he knows it should have landed. In a bunker three stokes count as one. If a ball defies gravity by rolling over a hole the shot should be retaken. To compensate for the loss of a ball deduct five strokes from your score. A ball that doesn’t travel straight down the fairway must be defective – move it out of the rough and back onto the green.

GAMBLING - a Way of Life A down and out asked a passing stranger for Ł5 so he could stay the night at a hostel. The man asks, "Will you buy booze?" The beggar says, "No. I promise - I don’t drink." The man says, "Will you gamble it away?" The beggar assured the man, "I have never gambled in my life." "You must come home with me,” demands the man, “I want my wife to see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

GAMBLING - Playing the Slot Machines Two gambling friends, Tom and Gerry, went together to play the slot machines at an LA casino. Each agreed that when his allotted money was gone, he would go set on the bench and wait for the other to finish. Gerry quickly lost all of his money and went to sit on the bench. He waited and waited and waited some more. After what seemed an eternity, he saw Harry coming toward him carrying a huge bag of coins. "Hey, Gerry," said Tom, "how'd you do?" "Well, Tom," said Gerry, "you see me here on this bench - what do you think? It looks like you hit it big, though." "Oh yeah," said Tom, "I found a great slot machine! It's way in the back. I'll show it to you - you can't lose! Every time you put in a buck four quarters come out!"