Funny Jokes

A young man goes to visit his grandfather in the nursing home. He asks the elderly gentleman how he has been sleeping at night. The grandfather replies that they give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet every night before he goes to bed and he sleeps like a baby. The man thinks it strange giving an old man Viagra so he finds his grandfather's nurse to ask why. “The hot chocolate makes him sleepy,” replies the nurse, “and the Viagra keeps him from rolling out of bed.”

Viagra - a Handy Little Friend It was recently reported in the newspaper that a 16 year old kid took three Viagra pills. He had to be rushed to this hospital with 3rd degree burns on his hand.

Viagra or Prozac - Best of both worlds Then there was the depressed patient who always took Viagra and Prozac together . . . at least that way if he couldn't get it up he really couldn't give a damn!

An old lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a super strong Viagra pill, but warns her it’s still experimental and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So, that night at dinner, she does. About a week later she goes back to see the doctor. She says, 'Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you suggested. It wasn't five minutes and he jumps up, throws all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off and ravishes me right there on the table.' The doctor says, 'I'm so sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.' 'No . . . that's okay.” Replied the old lady, “We wouldn’t go back to that restaurant anyway.'

Viagra Quickies Have you tried the new hot beverage, Viagraccino? One cup and you're up all night. Men taking iron supplements are warned that taking Viagra may cause them to spin around and point north. The difference between Niagara and Viagra? Niagara Falls. New Viagra eye drops make you look hard. Viagra has been a big boon to 'stand up' comedians. The man spent too much money on Viagra: Now, he's hard up. Did you hear about the first death from an overdose of Viagra? A man took twelve pills and his wife died. A man at the pharmacy to pick up his Viagra prescription exclaimed over the Ł10/pill price. His wife, who was with him, had a different opinion: "Oh, Ł40 a year isn't too bad." Then there was the man who got his Viagra tablet stuck in his throat and suffered from a stiff neck. For years the medical professional has been looking after the ill, to make them better. Now, with Viagra, they're raising the dead!

Do you not know I am a woman? When I think, I must speak. William Shakespeare

Things Men Know About Women – The Top Five After years of research by the world’s leading philosophers, psychologists and philatelists it can finally be revealed that the Top Five Things Men Know About Women are:- 1. Nothing! 2. Nothing! 3. Nothing! 4. Nothing! 5. Nothing!

The Facts of Life - Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex Sex is the perfect diet - it burns 360 calories per hour. At any one time 8 million people are locked up in jail and 800,000 are making love. This explains why you are more likely to serve a prison sentence than strike lucky with . . . . During a kiss as many as 278 bacteria colonies are exchanged. A passionate kiss uses up 6.4 calories per minute. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910. The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B.C. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

Don’t worry. It won’t happen. Forget about it. But we do talk! That’s not what I meant! I was not looking at that girl in the skimpy red lycra top with blue and yellow sequins. Of course I care – didn’t I buy you flowers - once?

Viagra - Under Doctors Orders A man was prescribed Viagra by his doctor who told him to take it one hour before sex. The man collected his prescription and went home to wait for his wife to get in from work. An hour before she was due home, he took the Viagra pill. But just as he was expecting her, she phoned to say that she wouldn't be in for another two and a half hours. In a panic, he phoned the doctor. "What should I do?" he asked. "I've taken the pill but the effects will have worn off by the time my wife gets home." "I see," said the doctor. "It is a pity to waste it. Do you have a maid?" "Yes." "Well, could you not occupy yourself with her instead?" "But I don't need Viagra with the maid."

What runs through a man’s mind during every five minute period : Sex, Food, Work, Sex, Football, Beer, Sex, Work, Anger, Sex, Work, Football . . .   What runs through a woman’s mind during every five minute period : Romance, Worry, Romance, Men, Diamonds, Worry, Romance, Marriage . . .

What’s the difference between a woman with pre menstrual stress and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist. The ‘Centre for Approximate Guesses’ located in Glasgow, Scot The ‘Centre for Approximate Guesses’ located in Glasgow, Scotland have shown that when a woman is suffering from PMS her partner is: 100 times less likely to have sex 10 times more likely to get a black eye 20 times more likely to have to work late at the office. If men suffered from PMS everyone would be awarded an extra four days PMS break each month. “You’re feeling bad with PMS aren’t you dear?” asked the concerned husband. “Why do you ask that?” bellowed his wife. “You seem to have accidentally cut all my clothes into tiny pieces again.” squeaked the husband.

The difference between men and women : Talking When a man returns home tired and weary after a hard day’s toil he needs about twenty minutes peace and quiet just to unwind from the stresses and strains he has suffered. Unfortunately when he gets home his wife needs to tell him, all the problems and issues which have developed during the day. Luckily men have developed the ability to listen, appear interested and sleep all at the same time. If you want to make a woman happy talk more, if you want to make her really happy talk about your relationship, if you want to make her ecstatic talk about the diamond ring you are going to buy her. Women have the ability to talk and listen at the same time - so she’s not being rude when she interrupts while you are speaking. Of course, if you interrupt her while she’s talking you’re in real trouble for she knows that men can’t talk and listen at the same time. Never snore while a woman is talking. It may give her the impression that you’re no...

How to tell if you have PMS - premenstrual stress You have a strong desire to add chocolate to your omelette. Everyone around you is being totally inconsiderate. You cry watching advertisements on the television. You want to kill anyone who says, ‘I love you.’ Your partner makes the excuse that he needs to fetch something from the car – and doesn’t return for four days.

If Einstein had been a woman . . . Men express their thoughts in a logical systematic manner – whereas women talk in a less structured way and are more concerned with feelings than facts. If Einstein had been a woman she would have probably said something like, “I was in the mall yesterday looking for a new dress, I eventually bought a cute red one which I’ll show you later. Anyway I suddenly got this strange feeling about that energy thing. Now that reminds me I must pay that gas bill. But, as I was saying, I suddenly had the notion that E=MC2 - I can’t be sure of course but I spoke to my best friend Alice about it and she said . . . . . . . .”

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means.... "I can't hear the television because of the noise from the vacuum cleaner." “You look great in that dress.” Really means.... “Wow! It’s way too short!” "I missed you." Really means.... "My shirts need ironing, I haven’t eaten since you left and we are out of toilet paper." "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means.... "We have overshot by 200 miles." “I love you.” Really means.... “Will you have sex with me?” “I bought you flowers.” Really means.... “The florist was having a closing down sale. "I am listening." Really means.... “I was listening to the radio but with a bit of luck you might actually think I was listening to you.” “I can fix it myself” Really means.... “Look up the number of an emergency plumber.”

Women like to talk – men prefer action. Men know that discussing with a woman what needs to be done takes twice as long as doing the task. Men feel proud of the things they achieve. If they do even a simple job like hanging a picture on a wall they feel a sense of satisfaction every time they walk past it. However, if they have to ask for help with a task they experience feelings of inadequacy every time they walk past it. Women do not like science fiction. They find it dull and predictable. They much prefer wildly fanciful and unbelievable scenarios such as those in romantic novels where a woman finds a man who is warm, gentle and loving. Women tend to talk about their problems in a rambling manner in which big and small issues are given no order or priority. In one breath while telling you that the supermarket has run out of her best loved cheese she’ll casually mention that she has smashed the car, robbed a bank and is running away with your best friend. Real men do not ea...