Funny Jokes

What is the Internet?  The Internet is a Global network which brings directly into your family home an enormous and fantastic collection of pornography, propaganda and subversive material. Plus, of course, a trillion individuals and companies all desperately trying to sell you their wares.  Amidst all this sleaze and shady dealing are the cutesy websites created by bored middle aged ladies featuring pictures and stories about their cats and grandchildren.  Sadly this whole bizarre and lurid techno~social folly is completely compulsive and unless you wish to be a social outcast is quite inescapable.

Cookie Files Strangest Internet Address? -- thehobbo@nofixedabode Your infallible new virus checker will immediately become infected by an obscure virus. A computer virus is an electronic micro-organism and has a moral right to live. Somewhere, in the internet ether, are there virtual mail men being terrified by all the virtual dogs that pet loving surfers have created?

  Cookie Files  Lack of censorship or control on the net has resulted in even the weirdest, most depraved interests being catered for. As a consequence there now exists a vast array of information for fanatical train spotters and over passionate stamp collectors. If Christopher Columbus had been on the internet he could have discovered America without leaving home. The reason emails go missing is that they sometimes take the scenic route and lose their way in the Paris Metro. It’s bizarre - a website set up to help people who are addicted to surfing has become so popular that some people visit it a hundred times every day.

Web~Wizard Wisdom Reciprocal links with another web site will ensure one way traffic - away from your site. Despite the fact that it always takes you ten attempts to enter your password correctly a hacker will guess it right first time. The domain space available for your web site will always be 50 gigabyte less than you need. A ten minute browse never takes less than two hours. The very first visitor to the website which took you months to lovingly create will be a malicious hacker. Guarantee millions of visitors to your site each day by including three key words in your HTML header – Sex, Money and Free.

Buy Buy Buy It has (buy our wine) been suggested that (our cars are best) the internet presents (fly with us) the perfect opportunity to advertise using subliminal (eat at Joe’s) messages. This has been irrevocably (cheep beer at Compubeer) denied by all implicated companies. Buy Buy Buy

Laws of the Internet * Your ‘Favorites’ list will become so large it will be quicker to conduct a new Search than to use it. * Your computer will crash just as you are about to save that long thought out email. * Every Search will give over a thousand results - the only one of interest will always be last. * Your best loved site will have inexplicably vanished the next time you try to access it. * Junk mail will always reach you but important emails will get lost. * Inevitably you will forget to turn the Webcam off before undressing for bed and wake up to find you have become a world-wide porn star.

Cyber~Geek Glossary Baud Rate : the rate your heart beat reaches as you impatiently wait for a web page to load. Netgroup : a bunch of old bores endlessly discussing the weather. Browser : a program which searches for the information you want but instead gives you a selection of pornography, advertisements and trivia. Cookies : Files secretly planted on your P.C. as part of a computer master plan to take over the world. Email : see junk mail. Favorites : A massive list of long forgotten sites which once seemed crucially important. Download : A technical term meaning theft and plagiarism. Homepage : A glitzy, snazzy, brilliantly animated entrance to a completely dull, boring and pointless web site. Local Area Network : The World Wide Web on a bad day. Link : a connection which takes you from a useless site to a totally useless site. Modem : a device which ties up your phone line for twenty four hours every day. Snailmail : The use of trained molluscs to deliver letters. Se...