Funny Jokes

What is the Internet?  The Internet is a Global network which brings directly into your family home an enormous and fantastic collection of pornography, propaganda and subversive material. Plus, of course, a trillion individuals and companies all desperately trying to sell you their wares.  Amidst all this sleaze and shady dealing are the cutesy websites created by bored middle aged ladies featuring pictures and stories about their cats and grandchildren.  Sadly this whole bizarre and lurid techno~social folly is completely compulsive and unless you wish to be a social outcast is quite inescapable.

Cookie Files Strangest Internet Address? -- thehobbo@nofixedabode Your infallible new virus checker will immediately become infected by an obscure virus. A computer virus is an electronic micro-organism and has a moral right to live. Somewhere, in the internet ether, are there virtual mail men being terrified by all the virtual dogs that pet loving surfers have created?

  Cookie Files  Lack of censorship or control on the net has resulted in even the weirdest, most depraved interests being catered for. As a consequence there now exists a vast array of information for fanatical train spotters and over passionate stamp collectors. If Christopher Columbus had been on the internet he could have discovered America without leaving home. The reason emails go missing is that they sometimes take the scenic route and lose their way in the Paris Metro. It’s bizarre - a website set up to help people who are addicted to surfing has become so popular that some people visit it a hundred times every day.

Web~Wizard Wisdom Reciprocal links with another web site will ensure one way traffic - away from your site. Despite the fact that it always takes you ten attempts to enter your password correctly a hacker will guess it right first time. The domain space available for your web site will always be 50 gigabyte less than you need. A ten minute browse never takes less than two hours. The very first visitor to the website which took you months to lovingly create will be a malicious hacker. Guarantee millions of visitors to your site each day by including three key words in your HTML header – Sex, Money and Free.

Buy Buy Buy It has (buy our wine) been suggested that (our cars are best) the internet presents (fly with us) the perfect opportunity to advertise using subliminal (eat at Joe’s) messages. This has been irrevocably (cheep beer at Compubeer) denied by all implicated companies. Buy Buy Buy

Laws of the Internet * Your ‘Favorites’ list will become so large it will be quicker to conduct a new Search than to use it. * Your computer will crash just as you are about to save that long thought out email. * Every Search will give over a thousand results - the only one of interest will always be last. * Your best loved site will have inexplicably vanished the next time you try to access it. * Junk mail will always reach you but important emails will get lost. * Inevitably you will forget to turn the Webcam off before undressing for bed and wake up to find you have become a world-wide porn star.

Cyber~Geek Glossary Baud Rate : the rate your heart beat reaches as you impatiently wait for a web page to load. Netgroup : a bunch of old bores endlessly discussing the weather. Browser : a program which searches for the information you want but instead gives you a selection of pornography, advertisements and trivia. Cookies : Files secretly planted on your P.C. as part of a computer master plan to take over the world. Email : see junk mail. Favorites : A massive list of long forgotten sites which once seemed crucially important. Download : A technical term meaning theft and plagiarism. Homepage : A glitzy, snazzy, brilliantly animated entrance to a completely dull, boring and pointless web site. Local Area Network : The World Wide Web on a bad day. Link : a connection which takes you from a useless site to a totally useless site. Modem : a device which ties up your phone line for twenty four hours every day. Snailmail : The use of trained molluscs to deliver letters. Se...

Murphy's law of golf Murphy's First law of golf : a new ball is twice as likely to get lost as an old one. Murphy's Second law of golf : a new ball always find water. Murphy's Third law of golf: The higher a golfer's handicap the more advice he gives. Murphy's Fourth law of golf: All par threes aspire to be sixes. Murphy's Fifth law of golf: After fourteen brilliant holes the last four will return your score to its normal pathetic level. Murphy's Sixth law of golf : If your swing feels right it’s wrong. Murphy's Seventh law of golf : The probability of sinking a putt is inversely proportional to the distance from the hole.

Golfer's Maxims Golfers Maxim on Mathematics : Four plus five equals seven. Golfers Maxim on Sportsmanship : Winning is everything. Golfers Maxim on Consistency : Your best round ever will immediately be followed by your worse round ever. Golfers Maxim on Success : A wise man always lets the boss win. Golfers Maxim on Winning : Bad mathematicians make great golfers. Golfers Maxim on Perseverance : In sheer frustration quit playing at least twice a month.

Get Rich QUICK on the Internet By using the internet everyone can effortlessly become a multimillionaire. The formula is simple ::- Choose a product that can be easily bought in any high street store. Create a memorable web site such as IAbsolutelyDesperatelyMustHaveThat.CON Lose masses of money trading through your site. Float the company on the stock market for $Ł$Ł$Ł$Ł$Ł$ Retire. To be successful you must remember that patience is vital – the above process can sometimes take as long as three months. Guarantee millions of visitors to your site each day by including three key words in your HTML header – Sex, Money and Free.

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means.... "I can't hear the television because of the noise from the vacuum cleaner." “You look great in that dress.” Really means.... “Wow! It’s way too short!” "I missed you." Really means.... "My shirts need ironing, I haven’t eaten since you left and we are out of toilet paper." "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means.... "We have overshot by 200 miles." “I love you.” Really means.... “Will you have sex with me?” “I bought you flowers.” Really means.... “The florist was having a closing down sale. "I am listening." Really means.... “I was listening to the radio but with a bit of luck you might actually think I was listening to you.” “I can fix it myself” Really means.... “Look up the number of an emergency plumber.”

Women like to talk – men prefer action. Men know that discussing with a woman what needs to be done takes twice as long as doing the task. Men feel proud of the things they achieve. If they do even a simple job like hanging a picture on a wall they feel a sense of satisfaction every time they walk past it. However, if they have to ask for help with a task they experience feelings of inadequacy every time they walk past it. Women do not like science fiction. They find it dull and predictable. They much prefer wildly fanciful and unbelievable scenarios such as those in romantic novels where a woman finds a man who is warm, gentle and loving. Women tend to talk about their problems in a rambling manner in which big and small issues are given no order or priority. In one breath while telling you that the supermarket has run out of her best loved cheese she’ll casually mention that she has smashed the car, robbed a bank and is running away with your best friend. Real men do not ea...

Computer Health Warning When downloading software from the web you risk infecting your computer with a virus. The most dangerous being :- Psychiatrist Virus :: There’s no change to your computer but a very large bill appears from the printer. Vet Virus :: Your mouse develops a nasty squeak and runs away when you try to use it. Pantomime Actor Virus :: Your computer works. Oh no it doesn’t. Oh yes it does. Oh no it doesn’t . . .  Office Junior Virus :: All your computer files rearrange themselves randomly. Teacher Virus :: Big red crosses appear all over your screen with a message saying “Stay behind after class.” Civil Servant Virus :: Everything you type appears in triplicate. Athlete Virus :: Your C.D. Disc suddenly ejects and flies 100 metres across the room. Salesman Virus :: A warning message appears telling you that your computer urgently needs a new printer, memory and modem. Doctor Virus :: A message appears saying that your computer has been checked and is in ...